


It's Not Easy

by Silverstream16



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Drinking, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, One-Sided Attraction, slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 23:36:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15695679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silverstream16/pseuds/Silverstream16
Summary: In which Chou Tzuyu discovers something about herself. Follow on her journey of self discovery and acceptance.





	It's Not Easy

Tzuyu absolutely despised this feeling. There was nothing worse in the world to her than this utterly unbearable feeling. She felt a lot; she felt helpless, lost, frustrated, upset, just utterly distraught, but mostly Tzuyu felt an overwhelming sense of love and it made her want to gag. Not so much the feeling of love itself, but just who it was directed towards. She tried to deny it for days now, but the farther she pushed it away the quicker it came back. There was no more denying it, Chou Tzuyu was in love with Im Nayeon and she absolutely hated it. She hated it because it was Nayeon, her unnie, someone she looked up to, someone who was family to her, someone who only thought of her as a sister. She hated it because Nayeon could be unbearable and annoying to no extent and it bothered her. But mostly she hated it because Nayeon was a girl and Tzuyu could NOT have feelings for a girl. It was unacceptable in her society, it was unacceptable in her community, it was unacceptable in her household and Tzuyu was scared. Tzuyu was so scared of her feelings, she was terrified that if people found out they’d leave her forever. But she knew this day would come; from a young age she never found herself interested in boys, but she just thought she’d find one eventually. That day never came, instead she found a girl named Im Nayeon and now Tzuyu was doomed. Sure not everyone would reject her for her feelings, but the media was a dangerous and harsh playground, and she would lose everything she worked for if news broke out. She knew she had to keep it in, it was only right to do so. She would be selfish if she let her feelings ruin all she worked for, she deserved to be where she was and she wasn’t going to let anything ruin that. Chou Tzuyu was strong, and she was determined to keep her feelings locked away. There was no harm in that right? What could go wrong? If only she knew..

~

It had been just over a week since Tzuyu had come to the horrifying realization of her feelings and despite her efforts to not let them affect her, they did. Her mood had changed drastically and the others had started to notice. Now Tzuyu spent all her time confined to her bedroom, only ever leaving to eat or go to school. Despite her silent nature, she had appeared even more impossibly silent having spoken less than ten words in the last week. Tzuyu was also never one to smile often, but it didn’t take a lot to get her to crack a smile, not until now. The girls weren’t sure when the last time they saw their maknae smile was, and it concerned them greatly. Tzuyu was aware of her changing behavior, and she prayed it wasn’t too suspicious so she wouldn’t worry the other girls. 

It was late on a Tuesday night when Tzuyu found herself unable to sleep. She sighed and stared at the alarm clock next to her bed, she had to be up for school in just three hours and she hadn’t slept a wink. She reluctantly peeled the sheets off of her body and tip toed out of the room, careful not to wake Dahyun and Chaeyoung from their slumbers. She made her way to the kitchen, turning on the small lamp on the table so she was provided with just enough light to see where she was going. She plopped down in one of the dining chairs and began biting at her nails, an old habit that appeared when she was nervous or troubled. She recently picked the habit up again after her self revelation (it is to be noted that this was not healthy for her nails). Tzuyu felt like crying, but she refused to let any tears fall. If she let them fall she knew it would be admitting it was real and that she was in pain and she couldn’t do it. She just wished she could make all these feelings go away, but I guess that’s the price of being a teenager. 

“Tzuyu-ah?”

Tzuyu jumped at the soft voice that broke out from behind her. She turned to see her leader rubbing her tired eyes, a confused pout prominent on her lips. The confusion quickly replaced by the excitement of an opportunity. Ever the leader, Jihyo was the first to notice the difference in the youngest member, and she vowed to keep an eye on the girl fearing she might be depressed. She wanted to speak to the younger, but the girl was barely ever around anymore, and she didn’t want to outwardly say she was worried in case there wasn’t anything wrong and the Tzuyu took offense. She wished she could just run into the girl when they were both alone so Jihyo find out what was wrong. Tonight it was as if her silent prayers had been answered when she had gotten up in the middle of the night to grab some water to drink. As she wandered into the kitchen she saw the maknae sitting at the table, deep in thought and realized this was her opportunity. She wiped the excitement off of her face and nonchalantly made her way to the fridge to grab a water before joining the girl at the table. 

“What are you doing up so late?”

“I just couldn’t sleep unnie, I hope I didn’t wake you with the light.”

“Please, once Sana unnie had the light turned on and still crashed into the counter. You couldn’t wake anyone with this light if you tried.”

Tzuyu chuckled lightly at that and it made Jihyo’s heart swell hearing the girl’s genuine laughter. It had been too long since she heard the sweet noise. 

“What’s on your mind Tzuyu?”

Tzuyu wanted to scream. Of course Jihyo would be able to detect that something wasn’t right, she should've known. 

“Nothing Unnie, don’t worry about me I’m just a bit restless is all.”

“Tzuyu-ah I’m not the leader for nothing. I know you girls like the back of my hand. Something is bothering you and it worries me. Don’t keep your feelings in it’s not good for your health.”

Tzuyu’s breath hitched slightly, here she was telling herself to bury here feelings and now Jihyo is telling her to do the exact opposite. Everything was so confusing and conflicting and Tzuyu wanted to scream and cry, and Tzuyu wanted to die. She felt the tears prick her eye’s and threaten to fall and it took all of her strength to keep them back. She huffed and dropped her head into her palms. She felt Jihyo’s soft hand on her shoulder and it sent a heavy blow to Tzuyu’s cracking exterior. 

“Tzuyu, you know I love you right? We all love you so much and we care about you, please don’t shut us out. If you’re suffering let us help you, we would never let you suffer alone, we love you too much.”

A week’s worth of unshed tears and withheld screams flooded out in the form of a broken sob. She tried so hard to keep her exterior from breaking, but Jihyo hit her in all the right spots and the dam burst. Tears flooded down her face and her shoulders shook in silent and not so silent sobs. She heard Jihyo gasp softly before shifting her chair over next to the taller girl and wrapping her arms around her tightly.

“It’s okay Tzuyu-ah, Unnie is here.”

Jihyo’s soft words of comfort were overshadowed by the heartbreaking sobs of the youngest member. She couldn’t tell Jihyo, the girl would surely hate her if she found out the truth. But the leader’s warm arms and kind words were so tempting and she couldn’t hold it in anymore. It was suffocating her, drowning her. All these feelings, it was like she was inhaling sand, like her lungs were filling with anything and everything except the air she craved. She couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Ji-Jihyo unnie I’m so sorry…”

She was having difficulty speaking through her sobs so Jihyo just shushed her and brought the girl’s head to her chest, cradling it gently. 

“Okay Tzuyu it’s okay, whatever it is, it’s going to be okay.”

They stayed in that position for a few minutes, Tzuyu’s head resting on Jihyo’s chest. The only sound in the house was the soft sound of Tzuyu’s sobs which slowly ceased as she focused on Jihyo’s steady heartbeat. The chilling reality that she either had to tell her leader the truth or make up a lie and try and bury her feelings once more suddenly set in. She wanted to tell her so bad, to just get it off her chest, but she was so scared of Jihyo’s rejection, of losing everything she worked for. 

“Jihyo unnie I.. I need to tell you something but.. Promise you won’t hate me?”

She tried to steady her voice, to make it strong, but she failed. Instead her voice cracked, the crevices revealing her hidden fear. She felt so incredibly small in this moment, like she was an ant and the world was crushing her.

“Tzuyu-ah! Nothing you say could ever, EVER make me hate you. I will always care about you Tzuyu, I will always be in your corner no matter what you tell me I promise you that.”

Suddenly she felt a little less small, she felt a little less scared, a little less insignificant. She had someone in her corner she knew that now, but despite the leader’s promise, she was still afraid that it would end in disaster. She sucked in a breath and sniffled, debating how to say it out loud. She had never said it before, and she knew the second she did she was making it real. She wasn’t ready for it to be real, but it didn’t matter, her head and her heart couldn’t take it anymore. She let out a shaky breath, focusing once more on Jihyo’s strong heartbeat. 

“Unnie I.. I like girls.. I’m gay unnie..”

There it was. She just told Jihyo. She just told herself. The words had left her body and entered the infinite universe. There was no turning back, it was all in the open now. She removed her head from Jihyo’s chest instantly and squeezed her eyes shut. She was waiting for the scoff or the laughter, or maybe it was the gasp and the slap she was waiting for. But none of that came, instead there was silence, and she dared to open her eyes. Jihyo was sitting there, just staring at her, expression unreadable. Tzuyu feared the worst, she was panicking now. She knew she fucked up. She was so stupid to have hope that this could be okay. God she hated herself. She stood fast, uttering out multiple apologies and went to return to her room but a strong hand lurched out and grabbed her arm before she could leave. She was whipped around so forcefully Tzuyu thought she was going to fall forward. She saw the angry look in her Unnie’s eyes and almost immediately, tears starting falling from her own eyes. She was prepared now, for the slap, and the yelling, and the ruining of her career. 

“Look at me Tzuyu.”

Jihyo’s voice was steely, ice cold, and it ironically burnt Tzuyu. It stung and Tzuyu wanted nothing more than to take everything she said back, but she couldn’t. She reluctantly opened her eyes and was met with Jihyo’s soft brown eyes filled with tears. She felt even worse now, tears falling freely. She had disappointed her leader, she just wanted to die. She looked down and sobbed, Jihyo’s hand still wrapped around her wrist tightly.

“Tzuyu how could you EVER think I would hate you for being gay?”

Tzuyu’s eyes snapped up and she sniffled pathetically. Jihyo was looking at her with the softest expression but Tzuyu could see the hurt in her eyes. 

“Tzuyu I don’t care if you’re gay or straight, I care that you’re happy and healthy. I love you for who you are Tzuyu, you are beautiful and this doesn’t change anything about you or how I feel about you. I am so proud of you Tzuyu, but I’m hurt you thought I would hate you. I could never ever hate you Tzuyu-ah, do you understand?”

Tzuyu let out a soft sob, she felt such a powerful wave of relief wash over her. She felt freer than she had in years. She finally had hope that things would be okay. She lurched forward into Jihyo and clung to her tightly. Jihyo clung back just as tight and rubbed her back soothingly, uttering how proud she was. They stayed like that for a long time, until Jihyo pulled back and wiped the remaining tears off both her and Tzuyu’s cheeks. 

“It’s Nayeon unnie isn’t it?”

How Jihyo knew, Tzuyu was unsure but she wasn’t surprised, their leader seemingly knew everything. She just nodded her head and blushed slightly. Jihyo chuckled a little and rubbed Tzuyu’s shoulder. 

“Of all people you have to pick someone as unbearable as Nayeon unnie, good job Tzuyu.” 

Jihyo laughed lightheartedly at her comment and even Tzuyu managed out a laugh. She sighed, but no longer was it a sad heavy sigh, she felt lighter and relieved as all hell. Her mind had finally stopped its tirade and now Tzuyu felt the effect of multiple sleepless nights catch up to her. She yawned widely and realized she needed to be up in just an hour at this point and she groaned internally. Jihyo, reading her mind, pursed her lips.

“You can stay home from school if you’d like. You clearly haven’t been sleeping and you need to or you’ll exhaust yourself. I’ll call you out and tell the other’s you’re sick if they ask. Go get some rest Tzuyu-ah.”

Tzuyu couldn’t bring herself to protest and just nodded sleepily. Turning to go back to her shared room. She stopped at the doorway and turned back.

“Thank you Unnie.”

Jihyo just stared blankly.

“Tzuyu don’t thank me please. You have nothing to thank me for, I love you unconditionally okay? Never hesitate to come to me when you feel overwhelmed or sad or anything. I’m always here to listen okay?”

Tzuyu nodded and smiled before disappearing behind the bedroom door. She threw herself under her covers and turned to face the wall, a small smile on her lips that stayed long after she fell into a deep slumber. 

~

She woke up just a few hours later, feeling more refreshed than she had felt in the last week. Her heart felt lighter but she was still scared, just because Jihyo accepted her doesn’t mean the others will. She couldn’t help but think of Nayeon and how she would react. She knew Nayeon grew up in a conservative family, would she share her family's beliefs? Tzuyu wasn’t so sure she wanted to find out. She rolled over on her other side to inspect the room. The light was hurting her puffy eyes, the only physical proof of what happened just hours before. Enough light streamed through the blinds on the window and she was able to see Chaeyoung’s neatly made bed and Dahyun’s mess of blankets on the bed above it. The two older girls must have already gone to school. She crawled out of bed and stretched her limbs out, feeling the tension melt away slightly. She exited the room and heard commotion in the kitchen which was a usual occurrence in the mornings. She paid no mind to it and made her way to the bathroom to shower. As the water warmed up, she inspected herself in the mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy and her cheeks were still stained with her dried tears. She splashed her face with cold water before stripping down and stepping in the shower. Tzuyu really hoped Jihyo didn’t tell anyone about what she told her, and while she doubted the older girl would, she was still nervous. The hot water hitting her skin really helped to ease her mind and melt away the rest of the tension and she relaxed more than she had in weeks. She relished in the warm water for slightly longer before washing her hair and body and getting out. She dried off and threw on some clothes before making her way to the same place she had sobbed out her biggest secret to her leader just hours before. As Tzuyu drew closer she could hear the laughter and the yelling and she peeked her head in the room to see some of her unnies making breakfast. Jeongyeon and Momo were slapping each other lightly and laughing about it while Jihyo was slaving over the stove to feed her members. Sana was sitting at the table and scrolling through her phone while laughing. Mina and Nayeon were nowhere to be seen which wasn’t unusual; Mina usually stayed in her room all day and Nayeon was never up before 11 AM when she didn’t have to be. Tzuyu pushed herself into the small kitchen and was first noticed by Sana.

“Oh Tzuyu! Good morning!”

Sana’s greeting caused the others to turn and look at their youngest member. Jeongyeon and Momo greeted her before returning to their slapfest and Tzuyu rolled her eyes. Jihyo just smiled at her, her face not hinting at any recollection of the events of the early morning. If Tzuyu didn’t know better she would have assumed Jihyo forgot, but she knew Jihyo was just a master at covering up what she was thinking. She slid the egg she was cooking onto a plate and put it on the table next to Sana who uttered a thanks while not peeling her eyes away from her phone.

“Good Morning Tzuyu-ah, how are you feeling?”

The leader’s expression was light, and to the others it just appeared that she was asking Tzuyu how she was but Tzuyu knew that the leader didn’t mean that. She knew Jihyo was silently asking if she felt any better after confessing her secret. 

“I’m feeling a little better Unnie, thanks for asking.”

“Good, I’m glad Tzuyu. What would you like for breakfast? I can make you an egg or pancakes if you’d like.”

“An egg is fine thank you unnie.”

Jihyo just smiled and nodded before turning back and began making breakfast for the taller girl. Tzuyu took a seat next to Sana at the small table that could definitely not fit nine people. Sana was scarfing down her egg but her eyes never left her phone. Her lips would quirk up and she would giggle when she saw something funny. Tzuyu smiled softly whenever the other girl’s eyes creased slightly and her adorable laugh filled the room. Eventually Jihyo placed down some eggs in front of her and patted her shoulder before beginning to clean the mess and yelling at Jeongyeon and Momo to knock off their antics and help her. Tzuyu silently ate her food as the others slowly began to trickle out of the kitchen, eventually only her and Sana were left in the small room and Sana put her phone down to look at Tzuyu. Her expression was unreadable and it freaked the maknae out a bit.

“What?”

“Oh nothing, you’re just so pretty when you smile Tzuyu-ah. I could see you smiling every time I laughed so I just started laughing at nothing eventually just to see you smile.”

Sana’s confession made Tzuyu blush and her face felt hot. She covered her cheeks and huffed out a cry of protest but she felt a smile forming on her lips. Sana stood and hugged her before tossing her plate in the sink and retreating to the living room. Tzuyu sighed and cleaned both of their dishes and joined the rest of the girls in the living room. Nayeon had seemingly woken up and was curled up into Jeongyeon’s side on the couch, much to the latter’s annoyance. Tzuyu felt her heart jump a little and the smallest twinge of jealousy; she wished Nayeon cuddled into her instead. She swallowed her bitterness and plopped herself down on the loveseat next to Momo who then clung to Tzuyu and she couldn’t help but wish it was Nayeon instead of Momo. Regardless, she let Momo lean into her and just made herself comfortable while focusing on the tv. Slowly she nodded off listening to the tv and the light chatter of her unnies.

~

Tzuyu woke a few hours later, curled into the arm of the love seat with a blanket over her. It was around 4 PM and she knew the girls would be getting dinner prepared soon as Chaeyoung and Dahyun would be coming home shortly. She heard the distinct sound of Nayeon screaming at someone in the kitchen. She got up and stretched her cramped limbs before entering the kitchen to see Nayeon covered in flour and Jeongyeon laughing hysterically. Nayeon’s eyes lit up when Tzuyu walked into the room and Tzuyu thought her heart might beat out of her chest.

“Tzuyu, thank God! Please help me clean up this mess No Jam here made.” 

Jeongyeon cried out at the use of her insulting nickname and Tzuyu just laughed before grabbing the broom and helping sweep up the flour on the ground. Jeongyeon left the kitchen as the two girls cleaned up her mess and Nayeon muttered a few choice words after she had left. When they were done cleaning Nayeon decided that getting takeout was probably a better idea as it was close to dinner time and they had nothing prepared. 

“Jihyo told me you weren’t feeling well, are you feeling any better now?”

Nayeon’s face was laced with concern and Tzuyu’s heart swelled at the thought that Nayeon cared about her.

“Much better Unnie thank you for asking.”

“Of course Tzuyu-ah, I care about your wellbeing.”

Tzuyu turned away from the oldest member so she wouldn’t see the bright red blush on her cheeks. Moments later the door slammed open and Dahyun and Chaeyoung in their school attire, burst through yelling enthusiastically for no reason. They saw Tzuyu in the kitchen and approached her.

“Aye Chewy how are you feeling?”

“Better. Thanks Dahyunnie.”

“You better be better, if you don’t come to school with us tomorrow the big kids threatened to beat up Chaeng.”

“They did not you liar!”

Tzuyu laughed at her best friends and turned back to Nayeon who was smiling at the banter and helped her clean the rest of the kitchen up. Soon they all crowded in the living room and ordered food and talked amongst themselves while they waited. Nayeon had taken the spot next to Tzuyu and suddenly she had her head on the girls shoulder and arms wrapped around her waist. Tzuyu went still and her prayed the girl couldn’t hear her racing heart. She caught Jihyo’s eye from the corner of the room and saw the knowing smirk on the leader’s face. She whipped her head back and focused on the tv again to try and calm her heart rate. When the food came Nayeon got up to answer the door and Tzuyu felt her heart drop a little at the loss of contact. She suddenly felt a surge of emotions crash over her and she cursed at herself internally. God she hated herself for her feelings. She was having such a good day and now she basically reverted back to what she was feeling in the days prior. Her smile dropped and she frowned all throughout dinner. Catching Jihyo’s eye again, the older girl looked concerned but Tzuyu just smiled weakly and shook her head. The shorter girl’s eyes filled with sympathy and she made sure to hug Tzuyu extra tight before the three youngest retreated to their room to sleep. She had trouble sleeping once again and she wanted to cry in frustration but she felt like she had no more tears left. She was tossing and turning for at least an hour until she heard the other bed shift and footsteps approaching her bed. She stopped moving as her bed shifted and a warm body cuddled against her. It was significantly shorter than her so she assumed it was Chaeyoung.

“Wha-”

“You can’t sleep, I can practically hear your brain from my bed so I’m here to help you sleep.”

Tzuyu would be lying if she said she wasn’t relieved that Chaeyoung had sensed her troubles. The older girl’s head was buried into Tzuyu’s chest and Tzuyu felt oddly comfortable and relaxed with the smaller girl pressed up against her. Her emotions were a mess and she felt tears slip out and she tried to hold in a sniffle but she couldn’t. Apparently she did have more tears to cry. Chaeyoung picked up her head and raised a hand to wipe the tears away. The room was silent other than Tzuyu’s soft sniffles. Chaeyoung wasn’t pushing her to say anything, but Tzuyu knew that she wanted to ask what was wrong. She felt a sudden surge of confidence and cleared her throat.

“Chaeng?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m gay.”

“I know.”

She couldn’t help but gasp, what did Chaeyoung mean? How could she possibly have known?

“You knew?”

“Yeah I knew, and I don’t care. You’re still my Chewy and I love you. Thank you for telling me though, I’m proud of you. Now let’s get some sleep okay?”

Tzuyu just nodded dumbly and lowered her head back on the pillow, she was shocked to say the least. She let out a sigh, thankful that despite the fact that Chaeyoung knew, she was okay with it. That was two people in her corner already and Tzuyu felt slightly more hopeful that they all would love her when she told them. As she was about to sleep she was plagued with worry once more. If Chaeyoung knew then what are the chances the other girls knew too? She felt comforted by the fact that Jihyo didn’t know, or at least she didn’t appear to have known when Tzuyu told her. She shuddered slightly but slowly relaxed into the smaller girl who’s breathing had evened out a few minutes ago. She fell into a fitful rest that night, her mind never shutting down.

~

It had a week since Tzuyu had told both Jihyo and Chaeyoung her secret and nothing had changed. They didn’t treat her any different than before and for that Tzuyu was grateful. She was slowly coming to terms with herself and was ready to tell some of the others about who she was. The only person she was scared of was Nayeon, she didn’t want the older girl to hate her. She doubted that Nayeon would hate her but she was still scared. She couldn’t let the oldest figure out about her feelings. The girl would never return her feelings, Nayeon wasn’t like her, she wasn’t gay (as far as Tzuyu knew anyway). She started to distance herself from Nayeon; when Nayeon was in the room Tzuyu removed herself, when Nayeon spoke to her Tzuyu didn’t look at her. Tzuyu wasn’t sure if Nayeon noticed her pulling away, but she prayed she wasn’t hurting her unnie.

It was on a Wednesday night when Tzuyu was doing her homework in the living room. Nayeon, Jihyo, and Jeongyeon went out shopping shortly beforehand and Chaeyoung and Dahyun were hanging out with school friends. Momo was taking a nap in her and Jeongyeon’s shared room and Mina and Sana were in the kitchen talking in Japanese. She was so focused on her math work she didn’t realize the two girls entered the living room, only looking up when the plopped down on either side of her. Sana pinched her cheek and pulled her in for a hug while Mina stayed a respectful distance away.

“How is our Tzuyu-ah doing? I feel like we haven’t talked in so long.”

“I’m alright Unnie, just doing my work.”

“You’ve been acting different lately, like you’re more reserved than before. Is everything okay?”

Tzuyu cursed Mina’s ability to read people, she was almost as skilled as Jihyo. She just sighed and decided it was now or never.

“Yeah everything is okay unnies. I’ve just… been discovering more about myself lately. I recently just discovered that I like… I like girls.”

Despite putting on a brave front, Tzuyu was scared that Mina and Sana would find her disgusting. To her relief Sana just squealed and Mina smiled softly at her. Sana pulled her impossibly closer and peppered her face with kisses.

“Oh Tzuyu-ah you’re so cute I love you!”

Tzuyu looked at Mina for help as Sana wouldn’t relent and kept kissing her face. Mina chuckled and shoved Sana lightly who finally loosened her grip on Tzuyu. It was then Mina’s turn to hug the girl, she pulled her into a tender embrace and kissed her forehead.

“We’re proud of you Tzuyu, so so proud of you. We love you know matter what okay?”

Tzuyu nodded into the crook of Mina’s neck. It was getting easier, every positive reaction made it easier for her to tell people. She no longer felt small, she felt loved and wanted and she was so incredibly happy. There was still one nagging thought that remained, and it was Nayeon. It was always Nayeon, it always has been Nayeon, and it always will be Nayeon. She would tell her eventually, she would be ready eventually. She just wasn’t ready now, but soon she promised herself.

Eventually the two girls retreated back to their room to sleep, leaving Tzuyu to finish her homework and head off to bed. She was in the bathroom when she heard her three unnies return from shopping and she silently tried to make it to her room without them noticing; she wasn’t ready to face Nayeon yet. Unfortunately Jeongyeon spotted her and called out for her to join them in the living room. She reluctantly made her way into the open room and tried everything she could to avoid Nayeon’s eyes. Jeongyeon and Jihyo started talking animatedly about the stuff they had bought. Tzuyu tried to focus but she really couldn’t she picked up a few things like the eagle hat they bought for Dahyun and the Shibe mug they picked up for Sana. She felt Nayeon staring at her silently. She didn’t want to look but she could see the girl staring at her, unmoving, from the corner of her eye. She couldn’t take it anymore, she had to get out of there. 

“That’s really cool unnies, but I should get to sleep it’s late and I have to be up early for school. Goodnight.”

She cut the two off rather quickly but they didn’t seem bothered and they nodded their agreement and grabbed their stuff heading to their own rooms after saying goodnight. Tzuyu stood unmoving, Nayeon had yet to say a word or even move a muscle. She willed her feet to move and as she went to turn she made the mistake of looking at Nayeon. Their eyes met and Tzuyu’s heart lurched. The eldest member was staring at her, her brown eyes pooling with hurt and anger. She opened her mouth to speak now that they were alone but Tzuyu quickly dragged her eyes away and rushed off to her room before the girl could say a word. She slammed the door closed behind her accidentally waking Dahyun and Chaeyoung.

“What the fuck Chewy?”

“It’s probably just her going through a gay panic.”

Tzuyu’s eyes widened and Chaeyoung shot up in a panic realizing she had just accidentally outed Tzuyu. 

“Fuck Tzuyu I’m sorry I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay Chaeng. It’s about time I told Dahyunnie anyways. I’m gay.”

Dahyun looked hurt and Tzuyu’s heart lurched once more, she couldn’t stand to lose one of her best friends. 

“You told Chaeng before me? That’s fucked bro.. I thought you were bae, turns out you’re just fam…”

Tzuyu rolled her eyes at Dahyun’s reference but she smiled knowing the girl was only joking.

“Nah I’m kidding. I love you kid, you’re cool. Girls are hot anyways.”

She scoffed and got into her own bed as Dahyun flopped back down and rolled over. The three said goodnight and quickly fell asleep.

~

The weekend came slowly and Tzuyu was never more grateful for a few days off. Her schoolwork had been piling up and she was exhausted from it all. Dahyun and Chaeyoung had gone out to hang out with some of their friends. Jeongyeon and Momo were out having lunch while Jihyo and Mina were at the studio recording. It was just Nayeon, Sana, and herself in the dorm. She stayed in her room for the most part, not wanting to run into Nayeon. Unfortunately for her it didn’t matter as the older girl came bursting through the bedroom door. Tzuyu was so startled her head hit the wall and she rubbed the throbbing area while staring at the intruder. Her heart sank as she saw a clearly hurt yet clearly fuming Nayeon. 

“Why have you been ignoring me? What did I do?”

Tzuyu always liked how Nayeon was always straight to the point, but in this moment it terrified her. 

“I haven’t been ignoring you Unnie.”

It came out colder than she intended it to and even she flinched at her words. Nayeon didn’t back down, she inched closer to her bed.

“Yes, yes you have been ignoring me. What the fuck did I do to you Tzuyu?”

Her voice was rising and Tzuyu started to feel incredibly small again and she hated it. It made her angry how Nayeon just came in and demanded to know what she did wrong. It pissed her off that Nayeon had the power to make her feel so small and insignificant. It made her so mad that Nayeon had no idea that she was struggling with her feelings. It made her mad that Nayeon was the problem this whole time and now she comes in here demanding things. She got up and stared at the shorter girl menacingly.

“What did you do Nayeon? I don’t know, what did you do? You did nothing! I’ve been suffering and you have done NOTHING! You never asked what was wrong! You never bothered to talk to me when I was ignoring you! You never bothered to follow me and figure out why! So you don’t have a right to come in here and demand things of me when you never tried in the first place!”

Tzuyu was so angry, her blood was boiling and she took no note of the shocked look on Nayeon’s face. She was so mad she even missed Sana’s footsteps rushing to the door. Nayeon’s face contorted with anger once more but Tzuyu wasn’t scared. Tzuyu was done feeling small, she was done being scared and she continued.

“You never cared Nayeon! You never cared to ask me anything! I’ve been wanting to tell you for so long now but I was scared that you’d react the way you are now! I don’t want you to hate me Nayeon, I love you too much.”

Her anger started to fade with every word she said and her voice grew softer. The look on Nayeon’s face grew less angry and more confused than anything. Sana took this as her cue to leave as there was no longer a fire to put out. Tzuyu deflated and sat down on the edge of her bed staring blankly. Nayeon followed suit, sitting next to the taller girl.

“Tzuyu… I couldn’t ever hate you. Why would you think I would hate you?”

She basically just admitted her love to Nayeon and the girl still wasn’t understanding and it made Tzuyu’s skin crawl. 

“Because I’m gay Nayeon! I’m gay and I’m in love with you!”

She clasped her hands over her mouth. It wasn’t supposed to happen like that, but there was no going back now. Nayeon’s face was stone cold. There was no trace of emotion on her face. Tzuyu was sure she had stopped breathing at that point, her heart was pounding and she was sure Nayeon could hear it in the silence of the room. To her dismay the older stood up and walked out of the room. She didn’t dare move as she listened to Nayeon pace around grabbing things. She heard another set of footsteps and the muffled sound of Sana’s voice questioning her. She heard arguing, no doubt about her and here she was again, suddenly insignificant. She wanted to go back, to take it all back. She wanted to go back to a few weeks ago when she was happier, when she didn’t know, when she didn’t have to be this way. She listened to the voices grow louder as Sana followed Nayeon around the house shouting at her about how she was being ridiculous. She listened until she heard the front door slam shut and then the house was filled with silence. It was only then that she let out a breath she didn’t know she had been holding since Nayeon had walked out of her room. Tzuyu felt like crying and screaming, and she felt like dying. She willed herself not to cry, trying to keep the flow of tears at bay. 

She heard the front door open and she wasn’t sure if it was Sana racing after Nayeon or Nayeon coming back inside. She got up to close her bedroom door so she could cry in peace when she heard two people talking. She peeked her head out around the corner and saw Sana talking to Jihyo, who had returned from the studio. She couldn’t fully hear their conversation but she picked out a few words like “Nayeon” and “angry” and “stormed out” and her own name mentioned. She heard Jihyo’s loud sigh and saw the older girl rub her forehead. Before either of them noticed her she pulled her head back into the room and shut the door as quietly as possible and crawled back into her bed. She piled herself in blankets and curled into a tight ball before bursting into tears. Nayeon hated her now, she ruined her friendship with Nayeon. And now Nayeon was going to tell JYP and she was going to be kicked out and her life would be ruined. She couldn’t hold back her sobs, and she didn’t try. She didn’t know how loud her sobs were but she was sure the other two girls could hear her. 

She didn’t know how long she had been crying but her eyes were tired and her lungs were burning. Eventually there was a soft knock on her door and it opened shortly after. Whoever it was wasted no time climbing into her bed. Tzuyu turned and opened her eyes and was met with Jihyo’s soft brown eyes looking at her lovingly. She weeped and allowed Jihyo to pull her close and hold her tight. She didn’t say anything, just occasionally shushing or humming soft songs as she rubbed Tzuyu’s back comfortingly. 

“She ha-hates me..”

“No Tzuyu-ah she doesn’t hate you, she’s just shocked. It’s hard for her, she grew up conservative. Give her some time okay, she could never hate you.”

Jihyo’s words were supposed to be comforting but Tzuyu found no comfort in them. Nayeon hated her, she was sure of it. She couldn’t handle Nayeon hating her, she would rather die.

“No she hates me… She’s going to tell him and he’s going to kick me out and my career is going to be ruined. Everyone is going to hate me.. I hate me..”

Jihyo gasped at Tzuyu’s harsh words and pulled the girls teary face up to look at her.

“Listen to me closely. Nayeon would never ever do that to you, and Jinyoung would not kick you out I promise you Tzuyu. You didn’t ruin everything, you are just being yourself and nobody's going to hate you. If they do they’ll have to bring it up with me because I will never let anyone hurt you Tzuyu.”

“But Nayeon-unnie is hurting me…”  
“I know she is Tzuyu-ah, and when she comes back I’m going to talk to her about it.”

Tzuyu didn’t respond to that, she just calmed herself down in Jihyo’s warm embrace for a while until the front door was slammed open and commotion ensued. Jihyo and Tzuyu shot up and got up to see what was going on. They entered the room to find Jeongyeon and Momo holding a seemingly drunk Nayeon. How long has it been? Tzuyu wondered. She realized it was now dark outside, she had spent most of the day just crying and it made her feel sick. Eventually everyone emerged to see what was going on. Nayeon was yelling incoherently like a madman and Tzuyu was scared. Mina and Sana were standing off in the corner near their bedroom door while Dahyun and Chaeyoung, who had arrived shortly before Jeongyeon and Momo were watching from the kitchen. Jihyo stepped out in front of Tzuyu.

“What is going on?”

“I don’t know. Momo and I were walking back from the movies when we saw Nayeon arguing with a guy on the side of the road. People had started to crowd around them so we rushed in and grabbed Nayeon and brought her back here. Why is she so wasted? And why does Tzuyu look like she’s been crying?”

Jihyo sighed and rubbed her temples, this day has been a shitshow and she sensed it was about to get worse. Nayeon lurched up and locked eyes with Tzuyu.

“Ooooh it’s Chou Tzuyu, what you here to tell me how much you love me again? You gonna confess your big fat gay crush to everyone here or do they all already know? Guess what guys! Tzuyu is a lesbian, she’s gay and she’s in love with me! How pathetic.”

Nayeon was slurring heavily but there was no mistaking what she said. The dorm was silent and Tzuyu just froze. It was as if time had slowed down and she looked around. Mina’s eyes were wide and she looked between Tzuyu and Nayeon with concern. Sana looked pissed to say the least and she was glaring at Nayeon. Momo seemed confused, Tzuyu hadn’t come out to her and Jeongyeon yet and now she didn’t have to since Nayeon had so graciously done it for her. Jihyo was fuming, Tzuyu could see her fists clench but she didn’t move forward, she stayed planted in front of Tzuyu. Suddenly she heard a loud clanging in the kitchen and she saw Dahyun and Chaeyoung come flying into the room fuming. Even so her two best friends weren’t the ones to make the first move. Nayeon was roughly yanked and before anyone knew what happened Jeongyeon slapped her across the face. The harsh sound echoed across the silent apartment, a few gasps rang out, and then all hell broke loose.

“What the FUCK is wrong with you Nayeon? How could you out Tzuyu like that you fucking bitch!

Nayeon yelped and grabbed her face and Momo had to physically hold Jeongyeon back so the girl didn’t continue to hit her. Unfortunately Dahyun and Chaeyoung saw this as their chance and lunged forward. Dahyun ripped the drunk girl off of the ground and Chaeyoung got in her face.

“You think you’re so great Nayeon? Well are aren’t. You’re hurting her so bad and you don’t even care.”

Chaeyoung was terrifying when she wanted to be, and right now her voice was gravely low in Nayeon’s ears as she pointed to Tzuyu who was still hiding behind Jihyo. Tzuyu felt the tears dripping down her face, she didn’t realize she was crying again. Nayeon was crying too but that was because Dahyun was holding her up by her hair. Jihyo strode forward to stop this shitshow and Mina and Sana made their way to Tzuyu to comfort her. Jihyo convinced Dahyun to let go of Nayeon who proceeded to fall to the ground when Dahyun dropped her. Her and Chaeyoung turned and joined Mina and Sana in comforting Tzuyu as Jihyo stared down at Nayeon.

“Get. Up.”

The dorm felt cold in that moment. Never before had they heard Jihyo use such an icy tone. Nayeon scrambled to her feet, seemingly sobering up from Jihyo’s tone.

“Im Nayeon that was beyond fucked up. How dare you do that to her, you are a disgrace! I want you to apologize right fucking now.”

They all shivered, Jihyo has never been this scary before and they all prayed they would never be on the receiving end of this side of Jihyo. Nayeon turned to face Tzuyu, and Tzuyu swore she could see regret in the older girl’s eyes.

“I’m- I’m sorry Tzuyu.”

She stepped out of Sana and Chaeyoung’s embrace and made her way towards Nayeon. No one dared stop her even Jihyo stepped aside. She continued until she was in nayeon’s face, their lips nearly touching. Nayeon didn’t budge, she wasn’t in any position to at this point.

“Fuck you.”

Nayeon deflated at Tzuyu’s icy words but the girl spared her no remorse and she turned and retreated back to her friends. She heard Jihyo grab Nayeon and lead her into their bedroom before shutting the door behind the both of them. Momo and Jeongyeon had made their way over to Tzuyu shortly after and hugged their friend.

“Tzuyu-ah we love you so much, and we aren’t mad that you didn’t tell us. I’m sure you would’ve when you were ready.”

Tzuyu wouldn’t cry anymore. She was tired of crying; her eyes hurt and her lungs burned and she was done crying. She just nodded and smiled at her friends and they all embraced her tightly. It took some convincing but eventually, with much insistence from Tzuyu that she was fine, they all retreated to their rooms to sleep. That night Dahyun and Chaeyoung squeezed into the maknae’s bed to comfort their hurting friend. But Tzuyu was okay, she would survive, she knew she had her friends by her side.

~

It had been weeks since that night and Nayeon and Tzuyu had yet to speak to one another. The morning afterwards Nayeon felt like shit for what she did, and she wished she could take it back. She tried continuously to talk to Tzuyu but the others wouldn’t let her. She had done enough and she knew that, but she wanted to make it up to her. She wanted to tell Tzuyu that she cares about her and that she loves her no matter what and, most importantly, that she is so so sorry for what she did. Eventually, the other girls started slowly forgiving her for what she did, and while they were still upset about it, they felt it was wrong to cast her out. Things were almost back to normal now that it was weeks later, but it was almost as if Nayeon didn’t exist to Tzuyu anymore. Like the girl had wiped her existence from her mind. 

Tzuyu wanted to forgive Nayeon for what happened. She knew the girl was sorry and that the girl was drunk, but that isn’t an excuse. She’s finding it hard to ignore her, to pretend like she doesn’t exist. She hates that even after everything, she still loves Nayeon with her entire heart. She was able to finally come to terms with her sexuality and accept herself, but she was still struggling to accept her feelings. She wanted nothing more than to look at the girl and talk to her, but she just couldn’t bring herself to do it. She wasn’t ready to forgive Nayeon yet. Unfortunately for her, the rest of the girls thought it was time that they at least acknowledged each other. They all left the dorm one weekend and left Tzuyu and Nayeon alone, unbeknownst to Tzuyu. There was a soft knock on her bedroom door and without thinking she told whoever it was to come in. The door opened and Tzuyu looked up to see Nayeon staring sheepishly at her. Her face steeled but her heart clenched and she cursed at herself internally. 

“What do you want?”

She didn’t flinch at how harsh it sounded like Nayeon did, the girl deserved it.

“I need to apologize for what I did. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me for what happened, I don’t deserve your forgiveness anyway but… I will never stop being sorry for what happened, I will never forgive myself for hurting you Tzuyu.”

Tzuyu’s expression remained steely. She knew eventually Nayeon would apologize but it didn’t mean she was going to accept it. She wasn’t ready to accept it, instead she let the girl continue.

“I’m sorry for how I reacted when you told me, it was beyond uncalled for and fucked up and you didn’t deserve that. You deserved to have an unnie who would have hugged you and told they loved you no matter what and I didn’t give you that and I’m sorry. But you have to know that I do accept you, and I do love you.. Not the way you love me but I love you so much Tzuyu-ah. You mean so much to me and I can’t bear the thought of losing you. It’s all my fault.. I’m so so sorry Tzuyu..”

Her expression cracked. That’s all she ever wanted to hear. She wanted to hear that Nayeon accepted her and loved her, even if it wasn’t the same type of love. She finally heard the words she had dreamt of hearing for so long and she wanted to cry in relief. She stood and moved towards Nayeon and pulled her into a hug. The older girl hugged her tightly and started to cry.

“I don’t fully forgive you Nayeonnie… but I want to work on it. I don’t want to pretend like you don’t matter to me anymore..”

Nayeon sobbed and the two stayed embraced for a long time just crumbling the weeks worth of tension between them. Tzuyu smiled slightly. Nayeon might not love her back the way she wants, but she was finally able to accept her feelings for the older girl. She realized for the first time that everything was going to be okay like she hoped it would be. 

That night when the girls returned, they walked through the door to see Nayeon’s head resting on Tzuyu’s shoulder. The latter’s head was slumped on top of the oldest member’s head and they were sleeping peacefully as movie credits rolled on the tv. The seven girls let out sighs of relief, looking at the two girls and they raced forward and jumped on top of them startling the two awake. Jihyo stood back and observed her girls, they may be dysfunctional, they may fight, they may keep secrets, they may disagree, but at the end of the day they’re a family and they love each other. She smiled softly at the scene in front of her, and thanked God for giving her this beautiful family. 

~

BONUS

Not even a week later the youngest members were getting ready for bed. They climbed under their sheets and were about to fall asleep when Dahyun spoke.

“Hey guys?”

Chaeyoung let out a questioning grunt and Tzuyu hummed.

“I think I’m gay.”

“Goodnight, Dahyun.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for coming to my angst fest.


End file.
